Why we get defensive
Criticism touches the image we have of ourselves, so our first reaction is rarely to listen: it is to protect that image. It takes four common forms:
- justifying: "yes, but that's because…";
- counter-attacking: "and you've done worse";
- minimising: "it's not that serious";
- withdrawing: we say nothing, nod, and think what we think.
None of these is a character flaw. They are reflexes, which we can spot in ourselves and then learn to delay.
Practise receiving feedback
Defensive reflexes are better worked on in situation than by reading. A first conversation helps to define with you the situations to replay, from exchanges with a colleague to the remarks of a sceptical client, and the format that suits your group. Fees are set by personalised quotation.
Five gestures for taking criticism
- Listen to the end. Do not interrupt, and do not prepare your answer while the other person is speaking. Many criticisms lose some of their charge once they have been said in full.
- Thank, without agreeing. "Thank you for telling me" does not mean "you're right". It acknowledges that the other person took a risk in speaking, which encourages the next piece of feedback.
- Rephrase. "If I understand correctly, you found that…" checks that you heard the same thing and shows the other person they were listened to.
- Ask for a specific example. "Can you give me a situation where you noticed it?" turns a general impression into a fact you can work on.
- Give yourself time. You do not have to decide on the spot. "I'll think about it and come back to you tomorrow" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
When the criticism is clumsy or unfair
Sometimes it is. Feedback arrives in a lump, on a bad day, in a tone that does not help. I recommend separating the message from the manner: even badly worded, a criticism often contains something useful. If it is inaccurate, you can say so calmly, with facts, at a second stage rather than in the heat of the exchange. What matters is not to throw out the information with the form.
Receiving feedback from your team
The higher you rise in an organisation, the scarcer feedback becomes: people filter what they say to their boss. A leader who wants real feedback must make it easy and safe. They ask with a precise question, for example "What did I do in the meeting that helped you, and what could I do differently?", rather than a "Any feedback?" that nobody answers. They then say thank you without justifying themselves, and show what they did with it. Feedback that is never followed by any effect does not come a second time.
The sceptical client
In my workshops, one of the scenarios I have people play features a sceptical client: blunt about the flaws of an idea and close to dismissing it. The exercise shows the natural temptation, which is to defend the idea. The participants who do best are those who stop pleading and ask what, precisely, is the problem. The criticism then becomes information about the client's expectations, which is what it was all along.
FAQ
How do you react to criticism you think is unfair?
Listen first, thank, then ask for a specific example. Often the criticism rests on a situation you had not seen from that angle. If it remains inaccurate, explain it later, with facts, at a calm moment. Answering on the spot, under tension, almost always confirms the other person's impression.
How do you avoid taking criticism personally?
By separating the fact from the person: a behaviour or a result has been criticised, not your worth. It is easier when the criticism is worded precisely, which is why the model set out in the article on constructive feedback also helps the person receiving it. If it is not, ask the other person to specify the moment and the effect.
How do you take negative feedback from your manager?
The same gestures apply: listen, thank, rephrase, ask for an example, take time to think. If the conversation left you uncomfortable, it is legitimate to ask for a second meeting to come back to it with a cool head. It shows that you are taking the message seriously.
How can a leader get honest feedback?
By asking with precise questions, reacting without justifying, and showing what they do with the answers. The safety a team feels in those moments depends on wider habits, which I examine in the article on psychological safety.
Going further
- Feedback culture: how to build one
- The SBI model for constructive feedback
- Wording positive and adjusting feedback
- Psychological safety, the ground feedback grows in
- Radical Candor: care and frankness together
- A one-day feedback training course
- Executive coaching for senior leaders
This article was written by Marc Prager.